More randomness

Ever feel like someone could literally be in your head and know what your feeling. I have a friend at work today, that not once, but twice has suggested I keep working out to keep myself out of my own head. Like seriously who could know how inside my own head I am. I really don't mean to, but when you are alone most of the time what else is there to do. What about the fact that I always feel like an outsider, like I don't belong. I have felt like that as long as I can remember. I just don't know how to not over think things. Like for instance I know I over analyze every situation, every word said to me. When alone with my thoughts I literally replay all conversations that I had for the day. Sometimes I wonder if I'm looking for some secret meaning in the conversations. I feel like everyone is always leaving me. The only constant that I have is my husband. He knows all my craziness, and still loves me unconditionally. He has never tried to change me. He accepts me for who I am. I really don't know if I have ever had that in my life before. He loves me, just the way I am, with all my flaws. Makes me love him more for just that. So if you ever find someone who loves you just the way you are hang on tight.

New Day

So today is a new day! I slept in a bit because I don't want to get to far off my sleep schedule. Working nights is an ever on going battle with sleep. Only night shifters will completely understand that. When you sleep it never feels like enough, and then when you are awake you are planning when you need to sleep again around the things you need to get done. Like I said a never ending circle. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love my night shift girls! Today I have decided is cheat day. Dinner will be Chicken fried steak, garlic mashed potatoes, garlic bread, salad (gotta have something green in there). Spending some time doing things I love to do. Like blogging, clipping coupons, watching my food network, which I tell my husband is just a show with several different episodes. He doesn't complain much with as much as I have learned from watching all the different shows. Who is your favorite food network star, and why?

Depression

Today I have been thinking about my ongoing battle with depression a lot. I wonder is this something that has always lived within me. I remember being younger and not really wanting to go to school. It had nothing to do with not feeling good, it was because I just didn't really wanna deal with people that day. Kids can be so mean sometimes, and I have always been a very sensitive person. Even tho I just didn't want to go, I would tell my mom I was sick and couldn't go to school today. I remember her response always was, "Well I understand you feel that way right now, but why don't you try taking a hot shower. Then we will see how you feel after." The funniest thing, I almost always felt better. So now that I have full blown depression, when I cant seem to talk myself into getting out of bed those words give me the courage to try a shower first and it still helps at least get me out of bed. I used to do pretty awesome fooling everyone into thinking I was happy. I laugh, a smile, a joke that's really all it takes, and no one really tries to get past the layers. There is only one person past all my layers and that is my husband and even it scares me that he is inside the layers. I was really doing pretty good there for awhile. That was until November 20, 2009. That is the day my baby sister was killed in a car crash. I'm telling you I literally broke, cracked that day. I still am broken and no one can really understand this broken feeling. I do really well most days, but there are some days where staying in the bed and pulling the cover back over your head sounds like the most beautiful idea ever. I made myself a promise that day. I would live my life for her. I would see things. I want to love life like she did. I don't wanna live her life or anything. I just think that the fact that she didn't get to live her life is why I need to live. I have seen so many things. My hubby and I plan a trip every year for our anniversary. We are in the process of trying to reach every state! I know crazy rights. So far we have seen. Texas (I live here), Colorado, New Mexico, Kansas, Oklahoma. We have started out small, but the beauty I have seen in these places reminds me of the beauty that god has made for us to look at. It makes life worth living all by itself. The views make you feel small compared to the amount of beauty and awe there is left to see.

I'm signing off now. Feeling so much better than I did when I started writing this. To anyone who may read this. Thank you. Until next time.