Depression

Today I have been thinking about my ongoing battle with depression a lot. I wonder is this something that has always lived within me. I remember being younger and not really wanting to go to school. It had nothing to do with not feeling good, it was because I just didn't really wanna deal with people that day. Kids can be so mean sometimes, and I have always been a very sensitive person. Even tho I just didn't want to go, I would tell my mom I was sick and couldn't go to school today. I remember her response always was, "Well I understand you feel that way right now, but why don't you try taking a hot shower. Then we will see how you feel after." The funniest thing, I almost always felt better. So now that I have full blown depression, when I cant seem to talk myself into getting out of bed those words give me the courage to try a shower first and it still helps at least get me out of bed. I used to do pretty awesome fooling everyone into thinking I was happy. I laugh, a smile, a joke that's really all it takes, and no one really tries to get past the layers. There is only one person past all my layers and that is my husband and even it scares me that he is inside the layers. I was really doing pretty good there for awhile. That was until November 20, 2009. That is the day my baby sister was killed in a car crash. I'm telling you I literally broke, cracked that day. I still am broken and no one can really understand this broken feeling. I do really well most days, but there are some days where staying in the bed and pulling the cover back over your head sounds like the most beautiful idea ever. I made myself a promise that day. I would live my life for her. I would see things. I want to love life like she did. I don't wanna live her life or anything. I just think that the fact that she didn't get to live her life is why I need to live. I have seen so many things. My hubby and I plan a trip every year for our anniversary. We are in the process of trying to reach every state! I know crazy rights. So far we have seen. Texas (I live here), Colorado, New Mexico, Kansas, Oklahoma. We have started out small, but the beauty I have seen in these places reminds me of the beauty that god has made for us to look at. It makes life worth living all by itself. The views make you feel small compared to the amount of beauty and awe there is left to see.

I'm signing off now. Feeling so much better than I did when I started writing this. To anyone who may read this. Thank you. Until next time.